


Antivenom

by pied_pollo



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Alternate Ending, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Study, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Lots of noodley break off sentence thingies because I’m dramatic like that, Panic Attacks, Relapse, Sad Spencer Reid, Spencer is a jerk when he's high, What-If, based on s07e02 "proof", if you call it that?, more like a
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:46:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24742534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pied_pollo/pseuds/pied_pollo
Summary: “You didn’t,” JJ scoffed.Spencer squeezed the doorframe, his eyes cold. “Yeah, but I thought about it.”He doesn’t mention that he also acted upon it.(A canon divergence that takes place right around after "Proof")
Comments: 37
Kudos: 249





	Antivenom

In a small corner of the conference room, Spencer Reid sits haphazardly on the table, squeezing a pencil in his hand and feeling poisonous--no, feeling’s not exactly the word for it, because Spencer isn’t sure he knows what to

_“--feel, that’s not the same as not feeling anything.” Gideon’s eyes were soft, and his mouth twisted into something that wasn’t exactly a smile but felt good nonetheless._

_“This is gonna hit you,” he warned, “and when it does, there are only_

“--three,” Morgan announces as he walks into the room, sticking a photo onto the clear whiteboard. “Katie Summers. We’re waiting on an ID for the first Jane Doe, but the second and third victims have been identified. It’s clear our UnSub has a type.”

From the table, Rossi nods. “Hardworking women with steady jobs,” he commented. “All blond, too. I’ll call Hotch.”

“Well, these women also all have children,” Emily points out. Her voice makes Spencer flinch, hard. “Do you think our UnSub is married?”

“He probably was,” Morgan replies, “but at a guess, he’s divorced. What doesn’t make sense is the remorse--why mutilate these women so horribly, only to feel bad afterwards?”

“He’s looking for the life he once had?” Emily guesses. “Maybe he feels that he had no

_“--choice. You mourned the loss of a friend,” Emily said softly, taking both his hands in hers. Spencer forced himself to look her in the eyes. “I mourned the_

“--loss of a family member? Spence?” JJ’s voice snaps him out of her thoughts.

Spencer blinks and looks up at the group, who are all staring expectantly. “What?”

JJ gives him an uneasy smile. “Do you think

_“--I’ll get to see my mom again?” Tobias asked him softly, staring at something only he could see. His voice didn’t waver. He almost seemed peaceful. It felt like a stab in the gut._

_Spencer’s bottom lip wobbled in sync with his arms. “I’m sorry,” he whispered._

“What are you sorry about?”

Spencer didn’t realize he’d said that aloud. He looks up to meet Emily’s worried gaze and bitterness prickles his skin.

So now she’s concerned. “It’s a bit late for that,” Spencer hisses without thinking.

Emily’s frown deepens. “What?”

“Being concerned,” Spencer replies curtly, sitting back indignantly. There's a warm, muted rage gurgling in his stomach.

“Reid, what the hell?” Morgan asks, crossing his arms.

“Yeah,” Spencer spits out, “what the hell? What. The. Hell. I bet you all thought I would say something clever, hm? Something helpful? Well, you’re out of luck.”

“Spence,” JJ whispers, “what’s gotten into you?”

“Me? _I’m_ the problem?” Spencer slides off the table and puts his hands on his hips. “So, what? Do I really need every word I say to be important? To be honest, I don’t think you guys are even giving me anything useful to work with!”

“Reid!” Emily’s voice is high with surprise. “What the hell is the matter?”

Spencer spins around to face her. “ _What’s the matter?_ ” he asks. “The _matter_ is that you-- _died._ You _died,_ and _they_ covered it up without a second thought because why?”

“Is that what this is about?” Emily asks. “Paris? Spencer, I told you--”

“Yeah, _I know what you told me!_ ” Spencer snaps impatiently. People are staring outside the room now, but he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care that he’s acting childish. He doesn’t care that he sounds dramatic and furious--he is. All the anger that he’s locked inside bubbles and spills over, and he cannot stop it no matter how hard he tries. But he doesn’t try, because he doesn’t care. That is, until he catches the horror in JJ’s eyes.

He tracks her gaze down and realizes he’s yanked up his sleeve. His arm is bleeding; he’s scratched it raw.

JJ makes the connection and shakes her head. When she speaks, her voice comes out wobbly and quiet: “You said you

_“--didn’t,” she scoffed._

_Spencer squeezed the doorframe, his eyes cold. “Yeah, but I thought about it.”_

_He doesn’t mention that he also acted upon it._

_Without another word, he storms off, leaving the rest of the team staring at the commotion in shock. Emily spoke up: “Re_

“--id? Reid.”

Spencer blinks. JJ is closer now, her hand hovering over his open arm. She doesn’t speak. Instead, she reaches her arm out to touch the puncture marks in the crook of his elbow. Her hands feel like ice.

Spencer jerks back harder than he means to. “Don’t,” he growls. “Just don’t.”

No one in the room says anything. That’s not unusual.

Spencer feels himself melt a little. JJ is still in front of him, eyes round with sadness. At the table, Rossi swallows and Morgan shakes his head. 

“Kid,” he says softly, “why didn’t you tell us you were

_“--struggling,” Spencer whispered._

_Gideon let out a deep sigh and sank back further in the bar chair. “Well,” he reasoned, “anybody who’s been through what you’ve been through recently would.”_

_They both know he’s not just talking about Tobias. But neither of them bring it up._

_Spencer wants Gideon to bring it up. He wants help. He needs help. But he doesn’t get help, because he can’t afford to get help. There’s too much at risk, and the team needs him. So they sit, ignoring Spencer’s problem because it seemed petty in comparison to what they deal with every_

“--day? Yesterday? When did you take it? Hey. Reid.” Someone snaps their fingers in front of his face. It’s Morgan.

Without thinking, Spencer slaps his hand away. His voice drips with venom: “Don’t ask. You don’t really care.”

“Spencer.” Morgan sounds shocked. “We all care about you.”

“Yeah,” Spencer laughs sarcastically, “you really do. What exactly do you care about? Me or my brain? All that matters is the case, right? Getting it right? Who the hell cares about what I have to do in order to get it right, right?”

When Morgan doesn’t respond, Spencer looks over at JJ and gives her direct eye contact. “So _yeah,_ Jennifer, I lied to you. I did. But it’s only fair, considering everyone else thinks it’s okay to lie to me!”

JJ crosses her arms, her mouth pressed shut. Emily puts her hand on her shoulder and rubs it soothingly.

Spencer feels horrible. His heart hammers in his chest and he lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

Whatever JJ says, he doesn’t hear it. There’s static in his ears. Spencer wavers on his feet, and Morgan catches him by the shoulder, eyebrows knitted with confusion. Spencer pushes him away with force--it doesn’t do damage, because it’s Derek Morgan, but it still leaves him surprised.

“I don’t need you,” Spencer growls. His voice is low and dangerous.

“Spencer,” Morgan says quietly, “whatever this is--whatever you need--I promise we can work

_\--through it. On the very first case we had after, it was on a college campus. You see, I met Sarah at college._

The past and the present constrict him on either side and he can’t breathe.

_They’re supposed to be about the future. Figuring out who you are, who you’re gonna be. It’s supposed to be about dreams, not nightmares. About hope. I really don’t understand the world anymore._

He doesn’t understand either.

_I guess I’m just looking for it again._

Excuses and lies--Gideon ran away. Spencer does too. He feels his legs take him out of the conference room and through the halls, into the bathroom. He stumbles and collapses onto the ground, shaking violently, his heart pounding in his ears. 

He can see, but he can’t. He can hear, but it’s muted and loud at the same time and the lights hurt and his head is pounding and his hands are shaking and he’s rubbing, scratching, scarring his arm and the blood gets under his fingernails almost like Tobias’s did when he took the vials out of his pocket or Nathan Harris when he wouldn’t let him die or Philip Dowd who dropped without a sound except there is sound now, a lot, and it chokes and floods his senses like a kaleidoscope, no, psychedelics, _Dilaudid cut with psychedelics and hallucinogens and his daddy burned a cross in his forehead and good for him that he killed him do you think I’ll get to see my mom I sent her away I couldn’t help me tobias help me he can’t help you he’s not weak I’m not weak you came back to alive and dead i was always able to stay objective but now all I see is Sarah in they’re gone it’s just me now they’re gone he’s gone adam is gone adam adam amanda you’re just an instrument of God I’ll take her to you and then you can give the necklace to her she’s waiting for me to tire out no I never got to say goodbye to Emily I will chain myself to him if I have to make you a better profile’s just a tool it was like you could physically feel the mood change on campus kids they’re so resilient they trusted you I came to your house for ten weeks crying over losing a friend and not once did you can see inside men’s minds minds men’s mens man there’s a man coming round taking names and he wanted me to let him die he was sick he need to know are we in a graveyard i was right at me right at me right at_

“--me. Reid. Look right at me, take a breath. Kid. _Reid_.”

Someone’s garbled voice cuts through the sound of his heartbeat. Spencer can’t really see but he feels a rough hand take his and pull it away from his arm.

“Spencer,” the voice says, “you’re going to hurt yourself. Spencer. Look at me. Right at me. C’mon, you’re okay.”

His vision clears a little. It takes a moment, but Spencer recognizes the blurry visage as Rossi.

“Reid, take a breath,” Rossi repeats. “Spe-- _whoa,_ easy. Easy.”

The world dips sickeningly, and Spencer feels himself tipping forward. He’s aware of Rossi grabbing his shoulders and pulling him to his chest, but whatever he says is underwater, and Spencer’s too busy drowning in his own mind to notice. Waves spill out of his eyes and full his lungs, rise up his throat and turn sticky, and he deserves it. He deserves to feel horrible. It’s his punishment for being like this. For being a sinner.

And then breaks the surface and gasps for air, shaking violently on the tile floor. He flops like a fish and Rossi holds him down.

“Calm down, Spencer. Calm down. You’re okay.” Rossi’s voice isn’t loud like before. In fact, it’s barely above a whisper. When Spencer settles, Rossi sits back on his heels. “Are you with me?”

Spencer tries to speak, but all that comes out is a choked sob.

“C’mon, it’s okay,” Rossi coaches, placing a hand back on his chest. “Breathe.”

Spencer does. He sucks in a weak inhale, then coughs. Rossi nods encouragingly.

“There you go. Give me five deep breaths.”

One, two, three, four, five. Spencer obeys.

“Think you’re ready to get up?”

He nods, then shakes his head, because that’s a complicated question.

“C’mon.” Rossi holds out his arm and Spencer reluctantly accepts it. He’s hauled to his feet and held firmly around the wrists. A trickle of blood leaks down his arm. Rossi wipes it away.

“Let’s get you cleaned up,” he murmurs.

“I’m not,” Spencer whispers suddenly.

“What?”

“Okay,” Spencer says, his voice cracking. Another wave of tears falls, but he’s too tired to wipe them away. “I’m not okay, Rossi. I thought I was, but...I’m not.”

Rossi gives him a small smile. He lets go of his wrists and stands back. “Yeah. I know.”

Gideon would have left it at that. He would give Spencer a soft nod and walk away.

But Rossi stays.

“You can’t play Russian Roulette with your life,” he says, and Spencer almost laughs.

Rossi looks like he’s about to say more, but he stops himself. Instead, he grabs a paper towel, soaks it, and Spencer wipes the rest of the blood from the puncture marks.

“Here’s what’s going to happen,” Rossi says slowly. “We’re going to go back to the room. I’m going to get you some water and an aspirin. And when you’re ready, you tell everyone you’re sorry.”

Spencer gives a shaky nod and turns around. Rossi catches him by the arm.

“I’m not done,” he insists. “After things are done, we’re going to help you. Strauss doesn’t have to know,” he adds quickly, “but _you’ve got to let us in_. Because from where I’m standing”--he gestures to the oozing rash on Spencer’s arm--“this town ain’t big enough for the both of us.”

Spencer can’t help it--he chuckles. Rossi laughs too and rubs his hand down Spencer’s back.

“Long and hard road, kid,” he says, “but I assure you, we’re not gonna lose you. You _and_ that brain of yours.”

Spencer gives him a watery smile. “Thank you,” he says quietly.

“That’s what family’s for. Ready to go?”

Spencer takes in a deep breath. He tugs his sleeve back over his arm. “Ready to go.”

“Ready for help?” Rossi adds, one hand on the door.

“Count me down,” Spencer jokes.

“As you wish. Three

_“--things you need to know: you did what you had to do. A lot of good people are alive because of what you did.”_

“Two.”

_"What’s the third?” Spencer mumbled._

“One.” Spencer finishes for him.

_Gideon smiled. “I’m proud of you.”_

Rossi smiles. “We’re proud of you.”

_And then he left._

And then they leave.

**Author's Note:**

> ACTUAL SCENE FROM CRIMINAL MINDS s02e16:  
> reid: i'm sad and very high  
> the team: did someone say something?


End file.
